I don't see Senator Hillary Clinton as a piece of dog art. I see her as a certain celebrity dog who splashed across our front-pages this April upon the death of her owner: Leona Helmsley's Trouble.
Just as the 8-year-old Maltese made headlines for inheriting $12 million from the late Queen of Mean, Hillary made history by shattering fundraising records when she reported $26 million for her presidential war chest in the first quarter of 2007.
Then, there is the biting. Helmsley's former housekeeper, Zamfira Sfara, filed a lawsuit claiming Trouble bit her dozens of times and inflicted permanent nerve damage.
Hillary doesn't bite, she kneecaps. Or rather, she has her political henchmen do it. First, NH co-chair Billy Shaheen postulated to the Washington Post that Barack Obama's drug use as a young man could threaten his electibility, because the Republicans would use it against him.
Hillary graciously apologized to Obama, giving the story another round on the news cycle, before she sent her senior strategist Mark Penn to Hardball where he got the words Obama and cocaine on the air a few more times in the matter of minutes. This guy would make Machiavelli blush.
And don't get me started on former Senator Bob Kerrey announcing his endorsement of Hillary and then lauding Obama for having the middle name Hussein and attending a secular madrassa. I think that's more than a dog bite. It's called sticking the shiv in.
Now, let's look at the grooming. This is what Trouble might look like after Hillary's style consultants got a hold of her:
In the dog world, a bow is the equivalent to a pastel pantsuit.
And finally there is the issue of Bill. Here I will mix metaphors a little and view Hillary as Bill's keeper. Just as Barbara Woodhouse tells us there are No Bad Dogs, only bad owners, so too there are no bad wives, only women that put up with bad behavior.
Maybe Bill has changed. Maybe he won't soil the carpet in the Oval Office again. But judging from his recent remarks about being against the Iraq war from the beginning, and asserting that Hillary's first order of business when she is elected will be to send him and George 41 on an "America's open for business tour, " it appears he is still suffering from an impulse control problem.
If Hillary really wanted to be an agent for change, she would have had the courage to disassociate herself from Bill years ago. Unfortunately they are locked in some kind of "Manchurian Candidate" psycho-grip that neither is willing or able to break.
Look, is Angela Lansbury in the Clintons' living room?!
The giant queen of hearts card was out of shot when she announced her presidential run.
I've watched enough A&E Interventions to know that the only way to help people who are locked in a state denial is to stop enabling them. Please, America, help the Clintons help themselves and vote for someone else. I can't take another 8 years of watching them chew up the furniture and then pretend that that's ok.