Dog Art Today

Hillary Clinton Equals Trouble

 

I don't see Senator Hillary Clinton as a piece of dog art.  I see her as a certain celebrity dog who splashed across our front-pages this April upon the death of her owner: Leona Helmsley's Trouble.

Just as the 8-year-old Maltese made headlines for inheriting $12 million from the late Queen of Mean, Hillary made history by shattering fundraising records when she reported $26 million for her presidential war chest in the first quarter of 2007.

Then, there is the biting.  Helmsley's former housekeeper, Zamfira Sfara, filed a lawsuit claiming Trouble bit her dozens of times and inflicted permanent nerve damage.

Hillary doesn't bite, she kneecaps.  Or rather, she has her political henchmen do it.  First, NH co-chair Billy Shaheen postulated to the Washington Post that Barack Obama's drug use as a young man could threaten his electibility, because the Republicans would use it against him.

Hillary graciously apologized to Obama, giving the story another round on the news cycle, before she sent her senior strategist Mark Penn to Hardball where he got the words Obama and cocaine on the air a few more times in the matter of minutes.  This guy would make Machiavelli blush.

And don't get me started on former Senator Bob Kerrey announcing his endorsement of Hillary and then lauding Obama for having the middle name Hussein and attending a secular madrassa.  I think that's more than a dog bite.  It's called sticking the shiv in.

Now, let's look at the grooming.  This is what Trouble might look like after Hillary's style consultants got a hold of her:

 

"I'm your girl!"

In the dog world, a bow is the equivalent to a pastel pantsuit.

And finally there is the issue of Bill.   Here I will mix metaphors a little and view Hillary as Bill's keeper.   Just as Barbara Woodhouse tells us there are No Bad Dogs, only bad owners, so too there are no bad wives, only women that put up with bad behavior.

Maybe Bill has changed. Maybe he won't soil the carpet in the Oval Office again.  But judging from his recent remarks about being against the Iraq war from the beginning, and asserting that Hillary's first order of business when she is elected will be to send him and George 41 on an "America's open for business tour, " it appears he is still suffering from an impulse control problem.

Bill needs to be kept on a tight leash like David Choe's Hell Houndz .

If Hillary really wanted to be an agent for change, she would have had the courage to disassociate herself from Bill years ago.  Unfortunately they are locked in some kind of "Manchurian Candidate" psycho-grip that neither is willing or able to break.

 

"Bill/Hill is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life."

Look, is Angela Lansbury in the Clintons' living room?!

The giant queen of hearts card was out of shot when she announced her presidential run.

I've watched enough A&E Interventions to know that the only way to help people who are locked in a state denial is to stop enabling them.  Please, America, help the Clintons help themselves and vote for someone else.  I can't take another 8 years of watching them chew up the furniture and then pretend that that's ok.

John Edwards and His Breed Identity Problem

 

The problem with John Edwards is that he is a Black Lab...

...trapped in a Papillion's body.

As adorable as that breed is...

...are we really ready for a Papillion to be our commander-in-chief?

And, if tabloid rumors turn out to be true, then Edwards is just a d-o-g, dog, in the most pejorative sense of the word.

(Obey the Black Lab poster available here. The gorgeous Papillion oil painting is by the super talented pet portrait artist, Petcasso.)

8.8.08 Update:  John Edwards is NOT a dog.  I owe an apology to dogs.

Senator Joe Biden: Tramp

 

I've had a long-time crush on Senator Joe Biden.  I think it's a combination of his twinkling Irish eyes, his ready smile, and the way he works his French cuffs to make a point.

I'm even smitten by his loquaciousness, especially after learning he grew up with a stutter.  There are many pundits who believe he is truly the best man for the top job right now, especially in the wake of the tragic assassination of Benazir Bhutto.  Biden has been warning about the Pakistan "problem" for years.  And he is the only candidate with a concrete political solution for the future of Iraq.  But for some reason, as dashing and as bright as he is, his campaign has failed to get any traction.  I think it's because he's continually misunderstood like Tramp in Lady and the Tramp.

You will recall that Tramp is a mutt from the wrong side of the tracks (Biden was born to a working class family in Scranton, PA), who falls for Lady, a sweet Cocker Spaniel from a good home.  The film climaxes with Tramp trying to warn Lady's babysitter about a ferocious rat in the baby's room.  His barking is ignored and when he breaks into the house to kill the rat, he knocks over the baby in his crib by mistake.  He is immediately sentenced to the pound, before Lady's parents return, realize Tramp's heroics, and adopt him.  Biden, too, likes to bark his head off, but not without purpose as evidenced here as he fights to set a timetable for troop withdrawal in Iraq.

He's often misunderstood, most recently exemplified by calling Senator Obama "clean."  He has survived the death of his wife and daughter, two cranial aneurysms and a derailed presidential run after a plagiarism charge.  But he still conveys an astounding optimism about America and passion for its future.  He's hoping to place 3rd in Iowa and stay in the race.  I hope, like Tramp, he has a happy ending on this campaign, but he might be too nice or too streetwise to make it to the oval office.  Maybe Obama, who never held the "clean" issue against him, will adopt him like Lady's parents did Tramp, and take him to the White House as VP.  Like spaghetti goes with meatballs, that might be just the ticket.

Senator Chris Dodd: Asta

 

Senator Chris Dodd's clipped, deep-registered cadence always reminds me of a 30's gumshoe charmer.  And I'm not alone. Mark Leibovich of the NYT points out Dodd's magnificent handshake and calls him a "throwback to a presanctimonious era when politicians were not so intent on fashioning themselves outsiders and anti-politicians."  Blogger Chris Dahlen compares him to Cary Grant and likens his a retro appeal to a Brooks Brothers suit.

In terms of dogs, Senator Chris Dodd is one of the most famous dogs of the 20th century, Asta the clever Wire Fox Terrier of "The Thin Man" series.

 

Asta on set

Asta (born Skippy) was tenacious, perfectly groomed, and beloved by many a doting actress.  Did you know Senator Dodd dated Carrie Fisher and Bianca Jagger?

 

Myrna Loy, Asta and William Powell of "The Thin Man"

Asta also played Katherine Hepburn's dog George who buries Cary Grant's dinosaur bone in "Brining Up Baby."  By doing so, he saves them from their own foolish choices.

 

Asta as George in "Bringing Up Baby"

Similarly, Dodd was the only campaigning Senator who flew back to Washington to stop Harry Reid's FISA legislation that would have given immunity to telecom companies that helped the government spy on us.  (wtf Harry Reid?!)  Dodd threatened a filibuster (like Jimmy Stewart's Mr. Smith) and after 10 hours railing against Reid and the Bush administration, Reid pulled the bill.  It was a great moment for Dodd and one I truly admire.

Senator Dodd's seemingly insurmountable problem is that he's a 20th century star in a 21st century race.  And although I don't think Senator Dodd's campaign will have the Hollywood ending of a surprise win, he's shown himself to be a classy politician at a time when they just aren't making them like that any more.

Bill Richardson: Hector The Bulldog

After watching hours of cable news election coverage and numerous debates, the only thing that sticks in my mind about Governor Bill Richardson is that he's suspiciously protective of Hillary Clinton.  He certainly isn't a waging a campaign to win the presidency.  So, many assume he's out there running for VP, obsequiously defending his meal ticket and changing the subject when she's "on the ropes."

He reminds me of muscle-bound Hector the Bulldog from the Merrie Melodies cartoons, charged by Granny to protect Tweety (and Granny herself sometimes) from Sylvester.

But tied to a leash and hobbled by his own lack of imagination, Hector is usually outsmarted by the cagey cat, until Granny (Hillary?) comes home and with a few swift swings of her umbrella sets everyone straight.

P.S. Look closely at the top photo and notice how Richardson's microphone "leash" is tied to a Hillary sign.

P.P.S. Don't bother checking out his Richarson for President website. If he doesn't care about running a real campaign, why should you?